Blah... Thats how I'm feeling

When is it going to be time for my success? I have been patiently waiting all of these years. I've been dreaming about it and thinking it would only be a matter of time. When I'm a teenager, I'd say.... When I'm in college, I'd say... Now I'm almost a quarter through my life and I have ZERO to show. Nothing... I have tons of bullshit and nothing of substance. The only talent I've got is being smart. And not even in a I can discover the cure of Cancer smart. I'm a, I can remember what I read in the newspaper smart. I weigh 300 pounds... have a horrid mess of curly hair that is way too short...and thats it. A piece of shit car, a mother who can't stop drinking....a cat that likes me 1 percent of the time and it sucks. I'm not special. I'm not unique. I'm fucked. How does one turn around from this point? How do I take this and turn it into something? Maybe it was me who ruined my relationship with she-who-must-not-be-named? I will never forget when she looked me in the eye and told me it was my fault. I think it was. I think it is... and I will never be anyone other than myself. The sad part is that I like me. I think I'm cool. I would want to be friends with me... but no one else does. I can't keep a job longer than 7 months... I can't keep a relationship from being fucked. I can't fuck...I can't drink... I can't sleep...I can't clean. I try so hard... I really do. Its easy for people to look at me and say "Oh she just needs to try harder" or "Suck it up...life sucks". Great... life fucking sucks?? Life is all I HAVE. Life is what I want. I don't want to be entangled in the "regular" tv life that everyone thinks that they should have. I want to be different. I want to blaze my own trails and prove to all those fucking haters that I CAN DO WHAT THE FUCK I WANT. I can make my own rules and do my own thing. I can succeed through sticking to what I want out of life. No one can except or imagine this beside me. This post is a random bunch of fucked thoughts but really... where is my cerebral malfunction? What part of my DNA gave me this craving to be free from things that I can't see? What makes me thirst for my own truth which I fear can only be found beyond what I can achieve in this life. I'm destined to be a corprate whore for The Man who doesn't give a fuck about me, my life, or my soul. I can't have a day off when I'm fucking SICK... I can't have longer than 30 mins to eat lunch... and I definately can't express opinions or do what I feel is right. I have to feed this nasty fucker lies and bullshit for a pittiful check. I have to kiss ass and pretend to be someone I'm not. Where is the FUCKING LIFE in that? Where is the fucking humanity in the fact that I have a total of 4 hours to myself every day when I'm done slaving for the rich? I get to crawl back to my shitty ass apartment and look at all the shit I can't enjoy because I have to work. WORK WORK WORK WORK. I honestly don't give a fuck. I want my work to be an extension of myself. Could this happen?? Sure it COULD. But seriously? The rich laugh at us fucks. LAUGH AT US. They spent their days doing what they want...and we lick their balls. Mmmm... tasty. :( I just want to scream. Why did I get a life at all if I don't get to live it. If I will never be happy. This miserable oppression is killing me. And thats why I will never have a good life.. a happy life... a whatever life. I'm going to have this life where every day hurts. Waking up hurts. Leaving hurts...and nothing goes back to nothing. No one understands me and I am ruining everything I like currently. But fuck it. I don't know how many more years I can take of this bullshit...and I feel as if I won't ever have the hopes and dreams beaten out of me. I'll be one of the few who can still see the dream, which makes it that much worse.

My Natal Chart

Natal Report for
Tiffany Ramos
Born: 10/16/1985
at 12:55 GMT



Planetary Positions at Birth
Sun:23� 07' in Libra
Moon:26� 09' in Scorpio
Mercury:08� 50' in Scorpio
Venus:00� 01' in Libra
Mars:23� 03' in Virgo
Jupiter:07� 26' in Aquarius
Saturn:26� 24' in Scorpio
Uranus:15� 11' in Sagittarius
Neptune:01� 10' in Capricorn
Pluto:04� 06' in Scorpio


Aspects
Conjunction: Mercury Pluto 4�
Conjunction: Moon Saturn 0�
Conjunction: Venus Mars 6�
Semi-Sextile: Sun Mars 0�
Sextile: Mars Saturn 3�
Sextile: Moon Mars 3�
Sextile: Moon Venus 3�
Sextile: Neptune Pluto 2�
Sextile: Venus Saturn 3�
Square: Jupiter Pluto 3�
Square: Mercury Jupiter 1�
Square: Venus Neptune 1�




The Sun in Libra
The Sun and its place on your chart are the most important information astrology can provide you with. Your most powerful energies and force-of-will are denoted by the Sun's position.

Traits: Diplomatic, Urbane, Romantic, Charming, Easygoing, Sociable, Idealistic and Peaceable

Dark Traits: Indecisive, Changeable, Gullible, Easily Influenced, Flirtatious and Self-Indulgent

You were born during a period when the Sun was in Libra. Librans are the Zodiac's seekers of balance, harmony and justice. Librans do best when paired up with others. They do not really care to be alone. Those they pair with can count on them to be fair and avoid conflict if possible.

Often Libras may seem a bit indecisive. This is because in their efforts to be fair they must study every angle of a situation before making a decision. They really are out to do what is best for all. Libras are master strategists and organizers. Librans are friendly, sociable and can charm anyone who engages them in conversation. When bored they quickly become lethargic and may need those around them to supply the spark to get them back on track.

Librans love to know everything about the people around them. They are always diplomatic and not averse to compromise--particularly if it will avoid discord. While Librans may not be team leaders, they can be counted on to plan any project's steps well. Their sense of fairness will also help lessen the number of conflicts that arise between project members. Libra's great gift to us all is we can trust them to be unbiased in their decisions at all times.



Moon In Scorpio
The placement of the Moon on your chart denotes a region of life you travel through based upon your instincts. The Moon's placement often points to emotional issues we must address.

You are not an easy person to get to truly know. It is very rare for you to show your true self to anyone. This reluctance to express your feelings openly is steeped in a fear of being exposed to attack.

Despite your cautious approach to showing your emotions, your passions run deep. Emotionally, there are very few gray areas for you. You either love something or you hate it. You make a supreme ally for those who you love. To enemies you are a formidable adversary.

You have trouble letting go of past wrongs you've suffered. Because you are so reluctant to express your feelings the pains you feel tend to well up inside you. Your fear of emotional vulnerability makes you want to be the sole manager of your relationships.


Moon Sextile or Trine Venus
You have a marvelous gift for letting those you love know how deeply you care for them. Your loved ones are very comfortable around you, because they know that while you ay not agree with them, you do accept them for who they are

Moon Sextile or Trine Mars
You are not one to shy away from a fight or try to wait out problems hoping they will just disappear. You loathe whiners and feel the best solution to everything is to act.

Moon Conjunct Saturn
Cautious and generally unable to act on impulse, you present an emotionally detached face to the world. You take life seriously and are not one for play or even humor. Because you are so disconnected from others emotionally you are your own best friend. Be good to yourself.



Mercury In Scorpio
The position of Mercury on your chart will give you insight into how you communicate with others and learn.

You are not only capable of very deep thinking, you enjoy it as well. You love to find the exact reason behind why things are the way they are. For you problem solving is more of a game than a chore. Your sharp powers of observation and analytical mind would make you an excellent detective.

You keep your knowledge to yourself. You are not one to reveal sensitive information freely. Your ability to keep secrets often makes you appear a bit mysterious. However, people know you will not reveal their more delicate data, so you often find yourself privy to personal knowledge you may prefer not to have.

You are a bit obsessive about your interests and find it difficult to move on to other things. At time this can make your thinking a bit limited in scope. Overall you have a sound mind capable of very deep thought.


Mercury Opposition or Square Jupiter
You overflow with ideas and schemes. There seems to be no limit to your interests. You're especially driven to focus on things that will effect the future. You want to be a creator of tomorrow's world.






Venus In Libra
Where Venus appears on your chart will provide you with information on how you relate to others on an emotional level.

You have a very powerful set of emotions that permit you feel to the fullest. You are very loving and passionate with your mate. You are monogamous by nature and extremely loyal. If there is a problem in your relationship it is probably due the depth and power of your feelings. You do have a tendency towards jealousy and can be a bit oppressive.

Your feelings towards others are rarely neutral. You either really like them or you really dislike them. You don't do well when moving through life solo. Your need for a partner can force you to lower your expectations at least temporarily. You need to love and be loved may also make you vulnerable to people who espouse great things but will never follow through.


Venus Conjunct Mars
Your need for love is large. When you find someone who you feel would make a good mate for you your Martian aggression kicks in and you do whatever you have to do to land them. Sometimes your assertiveness unnerves your target and they flee.

Venus Sextile or Trine Saturn
You are not one to just fall in love at first site. Before you fall for someone they must prove to have substantial character. You take love very seriously. Flings and pointless flirtation do not appeal to you. What you want and will wait for is a love that has the potential to strengthen over time.

Venus Opposition or Square Neptune
You are the consummate romantic, and have a mental model of the perfect lover. Unfortunately there are no people in the real world who can match your dream mate, and this can cause problems. There are no perfect lovers�not even you!



Mars In Virgo
Mars is the planet of action. Its placement on your chart will indicate your level of aggression and competitiveness.

You aspire to have your work meet the highest standards. Excellence is not a goal, but a necessity to you. Because you set such lofty guidelines for yourself you often feel that only you can do the job right. You pride yourself in maintaining an error-free work environment. When things do not meet your expectations you can become very bad-tempered.

Your need for perfection can cause you to doubt your own abilities to attain a goal. While you are usually very realistic about what you can achieve, there are times when you turn projects down, because self-doubts make it seem you are not adept enough to reach the project's goal. You can also be a bit picky, which may alienate those working with you.


Mars Sextile or Trine Saturn
You have the proper will and attitude to see even the longest project through to a successful end. You�re not reluctant to sacrifice to reach your goals. You never quit or lose focus on where you are trying to go.



Jupiter In Aquarius
Jupiter deals with where the Universe is definitely on your side.

You thrive on being on the cutting edge of things. You don't allow yourself to be anchored down by traditional thinking or behavior models. You have a genuine concern for the plight of humanity, and are perfectly suited for paving new roads down which the rest of us can find better lives.


Jupiter Opposition or Square Pluto
You think in very large terms and usually aim to effect the future. Attaining your goals is all important to you. You are likely to socialize with people who can help you realize your dreams.



Saturn In Scorpio
Saturn probes our sense of inadequacy. Where Saturn is on your chart will provide a key to where you feel your weakest.

While you desire deep emotional contact with others it scares you. You sense of vulnerability makes you both emotionally and physically inhibited.



Uranus In Sagittarius
Because of distance Uranus is from the Sun, its astrological influence is measured in increments of 7 years. What this means is that the effects of Uranus influence an entire generation. The placement of Uranus on your chart denotes an area where you can expect the unexpected from the Universe and yourself.

Because of distance Uranus is from the Sun, its astrological influence is measured in increments of 7 years. What this means is that the effects of Uranus influence and entire generation.

Your generation is noted for their creative development, optimism and vision. Your focus general focus is on shaping the future. For your generation the here and now is simply a base from which to leap into tomorrow.



Neptune In Capricorn
Because of distance Neptune is from the Sun, its astrological influence is generally measured in increments of 14 years. What this means is that the effects of Neptune will influence an entire generation in a like manner. Neptune is the Astrological Wildcard. The area in which Neptune appears on your chart is a place where there are no rules. Anything can happen.

Your generation main spiritual influence comes from the world' traditional religion. You are classicist by nature. You tend to scoff at New Age spiritual practices.


Neptune Trine Pluto
You were born in a period when there was an underlying current of spiritual awareness prevailed. Collectively your generation has a desire to increase the depths of their spiritual self.



Pluto In Scorpio

Because of the distance Pluto is from the Sun, its astrological influence is generally measured in increments ranging from 12 to 30 years. What this means is that the effects of Pluto influence an entire generations.

The Pluto/Scorpio collective includes people born within a 12 year time span. Your group has an underlying attraction to the many mysteries life in our cosmos presents. They explore man's past, present and future seeking answers to questions that have perplexed mankind from the beginning. Their probing will result in advancements in all fields of study.

Psychologically, the Pluto/Scorpio clan is a complicated group. Their love of the enigmatic will make them open to less orthodox means of expressing themselves. They will alternative social and sexual lifestyles. Some may go overboard and commit notorious criminal acts.



More About Libra
Famous Librans:
Eisenhower, Olivia Newtown-John, Sarah Berhardt, Mohandas Gandhi, Franz Liszt, Bruce Springsteen, Brigitte Bardot, Eleanor Roosevelt, Paul Simon, Noah Webster, Ralph Lauren, and Michael Crichton
Ideal Occupations:
Librans are well-suited to careers as diplomats, judges, public relations consultants, counsellors, psychologists and artists.

Lucky Numbers: 7, 16, 25, 34, 43, 52

Librans Are Usually Most Compatible With: Aquarius, Gemini, or Libra

Planet: Venus

Element: Air

Star Stone: Sapphire

Quotes....

A Fresh Start

"I've gone for too long living like I'm not alive So I'm going to start over tonight Beginning with you and I When this memory fades I'm gonna make sure it's replaced With chances taken Hope embraced"

I can't tell you how happy I am to have re-established this as an outlet for my thoughts. There is so much stuff going on in my life right now...and I hope to high heaven that I learn how to deal with it all.

I can hardly believe that this semester is over. It seems like ages ago that I started here...but at the same time it feels so new. Now I'm trying to focus on getting ready for camp. I have so many things that I'm hoping for....but there are also tons of things that could go wrong. I wonder if the people that are there will be the type of people that I'm used to, and secretly praying that they are the type of people I can chill with. I hope that I am able to make this summer the best summer for the kids. I can tell that they really love coming to camp and probably expect a lot out of me....including being "cool" without getting myself in trouble. When I'm nervous I'm a stickler for following the rules....so these poor girls may due some apologies shortly. I am excited because I think that these kids need to meet someone like me in their lifetime. Even if they don't know exactly who I am.... I think its going to be enriching...since I am such a "special" person. LOL. Oh god, these kids are going to hate me....

Another big thing I'm working on is getting over Jenn. It gives me anxiety just to see her name typed out.... I have never been so disappointed in my whole life. Never have I wanted something so bad. There are just so many things that could or should probably be said on the subject. My mind and my heart are constantly filled with questions about life, god, her and I, what all of this means....and the only conclusion I can come to is that it doesn't matter. It doesn't mater how much I loved her... it doesn't matter how much time we spent together....how much fun we had with each other... all that matters is what I do from here. What am I going to do that is going to bring me to the next level....

All About Me #2

1. Time started: 7:12 p.m.

2. Full Name: Tiffany Loreen Skye Ramos

3. Birthday: October 16, 1985

4. Siblings: I'm an only child

5. Eye Color: Brown

6. Shoe size: 11 in womens...but I usually wear men's shoes...so 9

7. Height: I'm 5'8''

8. Innie or Outie: innie

9. What are you wearing right now: Findlay Equestrian Shirt...Jeans...Nikes

10. Job: Umm...unemployed

11. Where do you live: Kent, Ohio or Lorain, Ohio

12. Righty or lefty: Right

13. Can you make a dollar in change right now: Probably :)

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Relationships
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14. Do you have a BF or GF?: Nope

15. Did you send this to your crush?: Not specifically

16. Best place to go for a date?: Anywhere if its with someone you like

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Favorites...
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17. Favorite place to shop?: Lane Bryant

18. Favorite kind of pants: Dark blue flares

19. Color: Green

20. Number(s): 17

21. Boys Name: Ethan...or Gabhan

22. Girls Name: Catriona

23. Animal: Horses...any kind...it doesn't matter

24. Drink: Propel water

25. Sport(s): Playing-- Badminton, Volleyball, Frisbee Watching-- Basketball, Football, Golf, Baseball

26. Fast-Food Place: McDonalds

27. Month(s): October

28. Movie(s): Cruel Intentions

29. Juice: White Grape Peach

30. Breakfast: I love French Toast or Pancakes....ooo! and I love eggs

31. Cartoon character: Garfield?? Or maybe Good Luck Bear

32. Book: Beyond The Starlit Frost by Rebecca Brandewyne

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Have you ever
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33. Given anyone a bath: Babies

34. Smoked: yes

35. Bungee jumped: Nope

36. Made yourself throw-up: Yes

37. Gone skinny dipping: Not yet

38. Put your tongue on a frozen pole: LOL...The freezer

39. Loved someone so much it made you cry: Yep

40. Broken a bone: No

41. Played truth or dare: Unfortunately

42. Been in a physical fight: No

43. Been in a police car: Nope

44. Been on a plane: Yes

45. Come close to dying: Not that I know of

46. Been in a sauna: Yep

47. Been in a hot tub: Yes

48. Swam in the ocean: Yes

49. Fallen asleep in school: Yes

50. Broken someone's heart: I don't think so

51. Cried when someone died: Yes

52. Cried in school: Too many times for my own good

53. Fell off your chair: Unfortunately

54. Saved conversations: Yes

55. Saved e-mails: Yes

56. Made out with JUST a friend?: Yes

57. Used someone: Yes

58. Been cheated on: Yes

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What is...
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59. Your good luck charm: I don't really have one

60. Dumbest thing you have ever done?: I can't remember

61. What's your room like: Dirty and cluttered

62. Last thing you said: "Bye"

63. What is beside you: My iPod and My two telephones

64. What kind of shampoo do you use: V05 Smoothie Shampoo and Conditioner...it smells like Starbursts

65. Best thing that has happened to you this year: My mom bought me two new pairs of jeans

66. Worst thing that has happened to you this year: Finding out my friends are fake

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Have i had..
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67. Chicken pox: Yup

68. Sore Throat: Too many times

69. Stitches: Yup

70. Broken nose: No!

71. Believe in love at first sight: Yes

72. Like picnics: Yes

73. Like school: Umm...sometimes

74. What schools have you gone to: Larkmoor Elementary, Lowell Elementary, Whittier Junior High, Southview High School, University of Findlay, Lorain County Community College, and Kent State University (whew...I'm an educational slut)

75. Eat a live hamster for $1,000,000 dollars: Nope

76. Who was the last person that called you: Becky

77. Who was the last person you slow danced with: Becky

78. Who makes you laugh the most: Thats a hard one...Probably Jay

79. What makes you smile?: Friends, Jokes, Phone Calls, Emails, Good Songs, Good memories, Kitties and Puppies and Ponies

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Who is the last person
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80. You yelled at: My cousin Hailey

81. Who told you they loved you: My Mommy

82. Is your loudest friend: Oh God! Jay probably.

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Do you/Are You:
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83. Do you like filling these out: Yes

84. Do you wear contacts or glasses: Both, but glasses WAY more...cause I'm lazy

85. Do you like yourself: I love myself, but I don't always like myself

86. Do you get along with your family: Yes...

87. Obsessive?: With certain things

88. Compulsive?: I don't think so

89. Anorexic?: Hahaha....Definately not in a million years...

90. Suicidal?: Not lately

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Final questions
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91. How many people are you sending this to: Anyone who would like to read it

92. What are you listening to right now? Come Back to Bed by John Mayer

93. What did you do yesterday: Hung out with the Grandparents, then I drove back to school, hung out with Betsy...and came home and went to sleep.

94. Hated someone in your family: Nope. I love them all :)

95. Gotten any awards: Yes

96. What car do you wish to have: Anything...but a green Element is my DREAM car

97. Where do you want to get married: Anywhere where my family is...but preferably in a church

98. If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be: Dedicated to school more

99. Good driver: I think so

100. Good Singer: I'm mediocre

101. Have a lava lamp: Nope

102. How many remote controls are in your house: I dunno...all I know is my TV doesn't have one

103. Are you double jointed: Nope

104. What do you dream about: Everything...

105. Last time you showered: About 1 this afternoon

106. Last time you took a bath: Two months ago

107. The last movie you saw at the theatres: King Kong

108. Scary or happy movies: Happy

109. Chocolate or white milk: Chocolate

110. Mud or Jell-O wrestling: Jell-O

111. Vanilla or chocolate: Chocolate

112. Skiing or Boarding: Boarding

113. Fall or winter: Fall

114. Silver or Gold: Silver

115. Diamond or pearl: Diamond

116. Sunset or Sunrise: Sunset

117. Sprite or 7up: Sprite

118. Orange juice or apple juice: Apple Juice

119. Cats or dogs: Dogs

120. Coffee or tea: Coffee

121. Phone or in person: I love the phone

123. Are you oldest, middle, youngest or only child: ONLY!

124. Indoor or outdoor: Outdoors

125. Time Finished: 9:05 p.m.